Feeling selfish and regretting

Maybe that is why I haven't posted anything in a month. I knew I'd end up regretting at least something in it! I am thinking about my little "rant" yesterday and can't believe how ungrateful I sound. I should have just been happy to be able to have all those tests done and know that I'm not dying of a brain tumor or that I'm not losing my sight! I should be happy that I have really good health insurance and could afford to pay the copays for the tests and the doctors. Nope... instead I was just mad that the doctor was acting like he was at work(which he was). Maybe he was having a bad day too. Who knows...? I must seem so selfish and I'm ashamed and am really tempted to go back and delete the "bad" parts of my last post, but I won't. I will leave it there. We all have our moments and then we move on and realize how wrong we can be. SO many people had such worse months than I did. I'm complaining about my doctor while other people are suffering and dying.  I have an amazing family in amazing life with no tragedy at all. My life is full of people who love me and who I love so much I could burst.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about. 

Much needed update

It's been almost a month!! We took a road trip to Utah and by the time we were on the long road back to Texas we had decided we wanted to be home. We have put in for a transfer back to Utah and are waiting on Fidelity to hear dates. So, it looks like hopefully sometime this spring we will be back in Utah. We really do love the Texas weather but it still doesn't beat all the friends and family we have in good old Utah.  We are really going to miss my dad and step mom here though. It was pretty hard to leave Utah again with Emma in the back seat welling up with tears saying "I'm going to miss all my friends so much" while we felt the same.

Todd and Becky took Todd's old job at Utah Gas Pipe back so they moved back to Utah last week.  It is a bit lonely out here by ourselves but the house is  a lot more roomy at least :) (love you Becky!) and the girls don't have to be so quiet for Daxton's naps. Dan is working a lot still so I have nothing to do after I put the girls to bed so he bought me a treadmill! I love it!! He asked me if I wanted a treadmill or a puppy- haha!! I chose treadmill :) I'm going to be in crazy good shape when I come back! I hope at least. Dan keeps making fun of me for my obsession with eating healthy so hopefully it will pay off. right?

Oh... and I have to vent a little about dumb doctors!!!  Why don't more of them care more and treat us like we're actually real people???  Warning! This might turn into a long vent session... sorry.  You have permission to stop reading now and skip to the next paragraph if you're not in the mood and just want to hear about my cute kids :). So... I have these really quick flashes of light that wrap around the corner of my eye and then just go away. They are just a flash. They usually start at the bottom and go around the outside of my eye to the top and go away all in a split second. Well, I went to the doctor cause they've been going on for about a year and keep getting more frequent. They are weird and freak me out a bit. SO after a family practice doctor, an ophthalmologist twice, a neurologist twice, an MRI, and tons of visual tests, my eyes are normal, and my brain is fine. Then, they decide it's probably visual migraines and put me on medication for that(topamax-don't ever take this if you are a woman and can avoid it- anyone who comes into contact with you will be able to feel the crazy seeping out of your pores-not to mention the numb fingers, toes, and lips, or memory issues).  Well, it didn't makes the lights go away. I went in for a follow-up appointment and the doctor told me he didn't know why he even put me on the medication to begin with(yes- the medication that made me feel like a complete crazy person for an entire month- poor Dan!) and that he doesn't know what is wrong!!! He doesn't even plan on finding out what it is!!!!!  I guess it is good news that it probably isn't something serious but it is still abnormal and doesn't seem like a fully healthy person would have random flashes of light going on.  I am a person and I don't think that doctor  cares at all that he just gave me one of the hardest months EVER of holding the crazy in for no reason!!! And if you are wondering, yes I am still on the meds :(  This is not my usual sweet self. It's not the "me" I'm used to!  I want to feel normal again! Soon I will be back to normal... No worries!

Ok... Done with my venting.   The girls are doing really good.  Emma is getting bigger and is figuring out that there is more to the world than just our little lives. She is to the point now where she is figuring out death. She is trying to figure out different religions. She notices the differences in peoples skin, hair, noses, and eyelashes.  She is such a sensitive soul.  She started crying in the car today and  when I asked her why she told me it was because she is going to miss me so much when I'm old(and die). I explained to her that that is a very long time away but it did take some explaining. I am explaining a lot to that girl these days. I'm explaining the world :)

Abbi has been a stinker and has been testing her boundaries like crazy this month!!! She has probably been in timeout for about half of it(not really but sometimes it felt that way).  This past week has been soooooo much better though and she is back to her cute self! Hooray!! She is still giving me grief about getting her jammies on but that's about the only fight we're having(thank goodness!) She is very curious and now that she can talk she can ask any question she wants. It's super cute. I was so so  proud of her too, we went the whole road trip, 23 hours one way if you drive straight, with no accidents!!! We did have a potty training potty in the back of the van for the times that we had to pull off and stop fast but she is SOOOO potty trained!! I'm happy :)

Life is really great and I want to say thanks to all the people who had to deal with my craziness this month! Thanks especially to Dan for not kicking my butt out the door :) Sorry to Todd and Becky that you were here to see me at my worst.  I'm just hoping I didn't act a fraction as crazy as I've been feeling! If I said anything or did anything that was mean or out of character for me I am really really sorry.  Goodbye to crazy pills! I Love my life how it is thanks!

Our Fun Christmas

We had a great Christmas this year! The girls woke up and Santa had brought lots of fun presents :) They opened them and then we played all morning. Then, we went to my dad and Beth's house for some family time and an awesome dinner(thanks Beth!) We have so many giving people in our lives and are so grateful for all the great gifts and generosity! We were really overwhelmed by it this year! Thanks everyone!!! 

 These are the best faces we caught on camera! :)

The girls got a makeup set from Santa and decided I needed a makeover

Dan in his Cute new hat :) I love him!! :)

Finally feels like Christmas

The girls watching the snow start to fall



Emma's letter, Abbi's picture, and the cookies we made for Santa





Wearing their Christmas eve jammies!!! SO cute :)



Our white Christmas!



It hasn't felt like Christmas this year for a lot of reasons. First of all, it hasn't been snowy cause we're in Texas. It doesn't feel like home and we're still getting used to things. Dan has been working a ton so we haven't had much family time. Well, this plus worrying about medical stuff that turned out to be just ocular migraines(thank goodness) had me pretty scrooge-like this Christmas season. I am usually pretty giddy about Christmas so I guess "scrooge-like" for me is not so bad for most. Today was Christmas eve and it snowed!!!! I can't remember how many times back in Utah I said "I wish it would just snow for Christmas and then go away." I think I'm getting my wish! Dan worked this morning so I started out the day helping the girls bake cookies for Santa. They are such great little helpers! They're both so excited that Santa is coming and for some odd reason Abbi thinks he comes up through the floor????? She kept laying on the floor and saying "Santa is coming, in the floor, I hear him"!!! Emma explained over and over that he comes down the chimney but Abbi was convinced he was in our floor. Haha :) Dan got home before the snow was too bad and built the coolest fort EVER for the girls in their room! We had the best day!

When I was a kid my parents always took us to look at Christmas lights on Christmas eve and then we would get home and open one present. We were going to do the same but it was snowing and icy and Texas people don't know how to deal with snow so it can get kinda scary out there. We decided to stay home instead and watch the classic "Frosty the Snowman". We still had the girls open a present. Emma wrote a letter to Santa and Abbi drew a picture for him. We set out milk and cookies and an apple(for the reindeer). Christmas just keeps getting funner and funner! Abbi is finally old enough this year to "get" the concept of Santa.

Anyway, with the snow, it really feels like Christmas and kind of feels like home today. I'm soooo excited for tomorrow and for the girls to wake up and open their presents!!!! Finally some Christmas spirit for me :)!!!

Emma's First Dance Recital

Emma had her first dance recital a couple Saturdays ago and I've promised a lot of people I'd post this so I finally figured out how!!! It was way cute and she did GREAT! Her dance class is for 3 and 4 year olds and I think she is more mature than most of the kids in there. We were so proud of her. She had the dance memorized and knew what to do and when to do it :) Oh and you'll have to pause the music at the bottom of the page to hear the dance music.

Family pics and Abbi being crazy again.

Well people. I figured out the dance thing so no worries. It was separation anxiety and the dance teachers let me sit in class with Emma for a while. At first she just cried and wouldn't do anything, then I danced with her and she started. Eventually she was dancing on her own, and then I left the room to let her dance on her. She said afterward that she "forgot how fun dance was". I think the anxiety was just overwhelming her when we got there and she forgot how much she liked it!  She just needed to take baby steps to get past it.  I'm happy to say she's back and dancing and very excited about it too! She has a Christmas recital on Saturday and the dance they do is soooo dang cute!!

We went out and did our own family pics this weekend. It worked out great since we haven't done any for a long long time.  They're not professional but they look fine to me :) While we were taking some pics along this rock wall Abbi RAN straight for the street while a car was coming!! I ran after her and fell on the grass trying to grab her when she stepped off the curb.  I finally just had to lunge out and grab her by the clothes and trip her :( to pull her out of the road!! It scared me soooo bad. I was shaking from the adrenaline and wanted to cry after.   We've told her over and over not to go in the road but when she takes off running like that she doesn't think! I shouldn't have been so far away from her! I need to keep a 1 foot distance from her at all times!! Oh... and she is dang fast too!! I'm so glad she's safe and hopefully she learned that the road is NOT safe! She didn't get hurt at all from me tripping her(which I felt bad about cause it scared her and made her cry but I don't even want to think about the alternative!) and all I had were a few grass stains on my knees! Sooo grateful that she is safe and sound!!

I love this one of the girls running

Throwing Leaves

Abbi was screaming and Emma was laughing. It was hilarious!

The Dance Dilema

There haven't been many times as a mother when I've been 100% stumped!! I think this may be the first. All of you know Emma has been going to dance class for a while now.  2 weeks ago I took her to class, said bye(like always), and sent her in. She was excited to go dance. About 40 seconds later she runs to the door and starts welling up with tears and says "I miss you" and just starts BAWLING! I had no idea what to do. I tried to calm her down and reassured her I would be on the other side of the door to the studio and sent her back in figuring she would get over it when she started dancing. Well, she just sat there crying so hard she was gagging a little. The teachers could barely talk over her so I went in to get her. I took her for a walk around the building and she calmed down. She told me she just felt "too fuzzy to dance today".  So, I thought she might be getting sick and took her home to rest after our walk.  The next week I'd talked to her about it a lot and she wanted to go. I took her to class again. She put her ballet shoes on and was ready to go in. This time she started crying before she even went into the class.  I stayed there with her outside the studio and calmed her down.  She WOULD NOT go in. Every time I even hinted toward her going in she started crying.  We stayed there outside the door almost the whole class.  The thing is, I know she likes dancing. She dances around the house all day and shows us the different positions.  She's always showing me all the stuff she learns in dance. She also keeps asking me questions about the positions and how to do other things, so I know she wants to learn more(and I can't teach her cause I don't dance)! When I ask her why she doesn't want to go she just says "I don't want to cause I'm bored of dance", but a couple of times has told me that she's afraid I'll leave her there.  I have been going to the gym that is 2 doors away form the studio but I told her I would stay and not go to the gym and she still won't go.  She goes to the daycare at the gym and does fine there and it's kind of the same setup where she's in a room and I'm in the next. I'm thinking it's separation anxiety but I'm not sure. I don't know if she really doesn't like dance or if it's just the class and she really is just bored. It is a class for 3 and 4 year olds and she is ahead for her age.  I don't want to make her keep doing something she doesn't really want to do, but I don't want to teach her that it's ok to stop doing something just because it's not new and exciting anymore. I want her to learn that you have to practice something a lot to get better at it. I also don't want to make her practice something she doesn't like. If it is separation anxiety I don't want to just let her stop going cause she wants to be with me. If it were school or daycare I would probably just have her stay there and the teacher would help calm her down cause they're used to that kind of thing. In the dance class setting they can't really do that without putting the entire class on hold. So, what do I do??? I really don't know this time!  It's weird not knowing... Any advice anyone??